The Vicious Cycle of People-Pleasing
Do you ever hear yourself saying, “Yeah, sure!” when, all you really want to say is: “NO, I am NOT willing to stay another hour at the office to finish up this project!” Or saying sorry when deep down, you know that the other person was actually in the wrong?
Most of us are prone to saying “yes” when we don’t genuinely mean it, for various cultural and societal reasons. It’s often considered rude when you decline someone’s invitation, offer, or even just a simple request. How many times have we said “I’m fine” when we are actually not doing fine, but talking about our problems feels too burdensome, so we shove the truth under the rug?
In various cultures, conforming to others' expectations is a prevalent practice. Take Japan, for instance, where the concepts of "tatemae" (social face) and "honne" (true feelings) shape interpersonal dynamics. We often find ourselves putting up our "tatemae" to please everyone around us, sacrificing our authentic selves in the process.
Of course, there are valid reasons why so many of us are prone to people-please. It’s difficult to maintain good relationships with others if you’re constantly voicing your honest opinion.
People-pleasing helps us achieve several things
It helps us avoid feeling guilty.
The act of saying 'no' can sometimes be perceived as rude, leading to feelings of guilt and even shame. People-pleasing becomes a shield against these unpleasant emotions, allowing us to prioritize others' feelings while sidestepping personal discomfort.
2. It helps us avoid conflict.
In a world where conflict is often seen as undesirable, people-pleasing offers a convenient escape. "Reading the room" and looking out for others' feelings might seem considerate initially, but it can result in unresolved issues and, ironically, feelings of resentment.
3. It helps us maintain a positive image.
People-pleasers are typically perceived as nice, helpful, and accommodating individuals. This positive social image fosters acceptance and approval from others, contributing to smoother relationships and a sense of being valued within our social circles.
How did we develop people-pleasing tendencies?
There's no singular reason why people develop a tendency to prioritize others, but some common causes include:
Emotionally Unavailable Caretakers
Growing up with parents unable to attune to a child's needs can lead to anxious attachment, resulting in a persistent fear of abandonment. This fear drives a continuous need for external validation, trapping individuals in a cycle of people-pleasing.
2. Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma can shatter one's sense of worth and identity, instilling a profound fear of rejection and a strong desire for external validation. This frequently leads individuals to embrace people-pleasing behaviors as a means of avoiding possible additional trauma, driven by the hope to receive the same nurturing care they extend to others—a care they often lacked during their own childhood.
3. Low Self-Esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem may seek external validation and approval from others as a way to compensate for their own perceived inadequacies. The constant need for affirmation and reassurance becomes a means to temporarily boost their self-worth, leading them to engage in people-pleasing behaviors to maintain a sense of acceptance and avoid feelings of unworthiness.
Breaking the Cycle
When one is accustomed to prioritizing the needs of others, they may find themselves in a negative repetitive pattern where they consistently disregard their own wants and needs. People-pleasers experience temporary relief and a sense of value when meeting expectations of others. However, this cycle reinforces a fear of disapproval, resulting in continuous self-sacrifice, neglect of personal needs, and challenges in asserting boundaries.
How can you break the cycle of people-pleasing? Some methods include: Learning how to set healthy boundaries, uncovering your negative core beliefs (such as “I have to be my best self in order to be loved by others”), and facing your pain and fears in order to become your authentic self.
By recognizing the impact of societal expectations on our outward presentation ("tatemae") and the importance of revealing our true selves ("honne"), we can navigate the delicate balance between pleasing others and honoring our authenticity. Therapists specializing in addressing people-pleasing behaviors can provide valuable guidance in this transformative journey toward breaking the cycle and reclaiming your true self.